Infidelity in a relationship causes a pain similar to that caused by a great loss. When it happens to you something in you dies and you then have to go on in life without it. It’s a loss of the complete trust that you had in your partner and the loss of the contentment that you enjoyed because you had the assurance that all was well in your relationship (and consequently in your life). Getting past the infidelity will thus not happen in an instant but will instead happen in stages. What are these stages that you pass through in getting over an affair?
1. Disbelief and denial! You just cannot believe that he would do this to you and put into jeopardy the life and relationship that you share. Many of us get stuck at this stage because we just cannot wrap our minds and emotions around the fact that he has cheated. You may see all the signs that all is not well in your relationship but you may be unwilling or unable to accept the fact that he is cheating on you. Somehow you feel that accepting the fact of his infidelity will make it real but if you do not accept it then it will somehow lessen its reality and existence. Your reasoning is that what you do not acknowledge does not exist and thus cannot hurt you. You just do not want the reality of his infidelity to spoil the perfect relationship that exists in your mind. Facing the reality of his cheating would just be too difficult for you. But getting past infidelity requires that you face reality head-on and stop making excuses for your man or pretending that nothing negative is happening. If the reality is that he has cheated then no amount of denial or burying your head in the sand is going to change that truth.
2. The incredible hurt. Once you have accepted that infidelity has taken place then the pain explodes on you. You are hurt because his infidelity suddenly makes you realize that he doesn’t value you as much as you thought. Infidelity tears down the specialness and exclusivity that you once shared since by his infidelity he allows another woman to share in the intimacy that was meant only for the two of you. You are hurt and your self-worth takes a beating. You wonder why it is that you weren’t enough for him and you begin to accuse yourself of failing to satisfy him or of not being attractive enough or whatever other negative thing that you accuse yourself. In this stage you are trying to understand ‘why’ he did it. This is the second stage in the process of getting past infidelity.
3. The raging anger. At this stage the anger sets in and you are besides yourself in fury. How dare he do this to you and your relationship? You do not believe that he could be so selfish. At this stage you can do real physical damage to him or the things that are around you since your anger is looking for an outlet. Getting past an affair requires that you channel this anger properly so that you do not do something that will haunt you and dodge you throughout the rest of your life. Be angry at him and what he has done and divert the energy from this anger into taking care of yourself. Whenever the anger comes do something that builds you up and makes you a better person as a way of dispersing it. Avoid the alcohol or any other emotion numbing avenues as they mask the pain and for you but for you to get past the infidelity completely you must feel.
4. You come to terms with the new reality. You now accept that your partner and your relationship are not what you once believed they were. He has faults that you did not know about before. Your relationship is not as happy and blissful as you once thought. You may still feel hurt and anger but you have come to the place where you see him and your relationship in a new light. He is not all bad but he has some serious character flaws or makes poor decisions when in certain circumstances. You shared some happy and memorable times but your relationship had some real problems and he was unable to come to you when that happened.
5. You make a decision. Based on what you now know to be true about him and your relationship you now decide whether you will end the relationship or work at mending what you had. Only you can make the decision that you can live with. If you cannot stand him and his deceiving ways then you may need to break it of but if you still love him and want him to be a part of your life then you may want to walk the path of forgiveness and reconciliation with him. You know yourself and what you can or cannot live with so make the decision that works for you.
Getting past infidelity is a process that must follow the 5 steps given. It will be a process and your emotions will go back and forth across the different stages but you must keep walking through the process so that you can put the infidelity behind you.
However if you suspect that your man had the affair because he wants to break up with you then use these break up signs to help you understand and reverse the process but if you keep attracting hurtful men then use these relationship insights to help you change the message that you are sending out.
By Rosy Anderson
Rosy Anderson is a researcher in social economic issues and the way they affect decision making; and she enjoys writing and being in healthy, happy relationships.