February 22, 2012

Friendship – How To Say Sorry

There are times when even the closest of friends experience a rift in their friendship. A rift can be caused by the misunderstanding of a situation. To bring the closeness back into the friendship, understanding of where it went wrong and saying sorry can bring the relationship back on track.

Distress

You have personal opinions and emotions and so do your friends. Even though you may spend a lot of time together doesn’t mean that they know every thought and feeling or decision that you have or make. Most misunderstandings come about because of information that has not been shared.

Understanding the issue

You can’t begin to make things right if you have not been told what the problem is. Real friends don’t yell at their friends when misunderstandings happen. If boundaries have been crossed then either the boundary was not known or not considered a priority.

Saying sorry


A genuine apology comes from the heart and includes making any damage right. Taking responsibility for what you have done is a mature and responsible way to conduct yourself. If the issue involved saying something to your friends boy/girlfriend then this may need very delicate attention to put right. If the person you are apologising to does not want to hear it then wait until they have calmed down. This may be minutes, hours, days or even months depending on how angry they are.

Awareness

Consider carefully what it is that you are apologising for. Giving a generic apology and continuously repeating it has no meaning. You are apologising for causing distress or loss depending on the situation. The apology is not to get you off the hook. The apology is addressed to that part in your friend that is hurting and is in disharmony. Balance needs to be restored. Your friend may not have known how deeply they felt about this issue until someone else interfered.

Longevity

True reliable friends are hard to find. When things are upset between you the question of trust is raised. Having the understanding and maturity to say sorry goes a long way to restoring trust. Be the kind of friend that can recognise when issues have arisen and address them immediately. The faster the matter is restored to harmony the shorter the damage time.

When reflecting on years that have gone by and you can admit to your part in certain events that changed the status of your friendships it is never to late to say sorry and take responsibility for your roll in the event. It may be too late to make things right as the people concerned have moved on. If you have apologised then you have done your part in restoring balance.

If you would like to have a confidential chat about what is happening in your life. Contact Relationship and Family Counsellor Catherine at happy2day@iprimus.com.au or stop by and visit at TaiLongevity Studio on Facebook.

 

 

Learn How to Gain Lasting Friendship Success

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

Make a Guy See You As a Bro

An acquaintance of mine was recently talking about how we live in an age where men rarely make friends with other men. The reason, he believes, is that guys, unless they’re jocks or alpha males, are too afraid of being humiliated or rejected.

Most guys understand this fear, I believe, because the very same emotions get in our way when we try to socialize with women. Maybe you got over that fear with women. If you did, it was through applying psychology, and you can very easily apply the same psychology when you’re looking for a guy friend. So let’s step back for a moment and think about human behavior in social groups.

First, reverse the question and ask yourself: “What do I look for in a friend?” No matter how you answer this question, whether you’re a jock or a nerd, an alpha or an omega, your answers will ALWAYS have one thing in common with everybody else’s.

You look for qualities that you find valuable. It all boils down to that. You certainly don’t want to hang out with someone who’s boring or socially empty. You want to hang out with people who are cool. So does everyone else.

But here’s where things start to go so wrong for so many of us. When you see someone you think is cooler than you are, you assign them a higher value than yourself, at least unconsciously. And the second, literally the second that you begin to interact with them, they unconsciously perceive your assignment of lower value to yourself. That, my friend, is what makes them inclined to reject or even humiliate you. You just gave them permission to do it.

How do you solve this problem? The first thing to do is to stop seeking the other person’s approval, because doing so automatically sets you up for failure. Tell yourself that you already have the other person’s approval, and that they have yours. Behave like this is true, and amazingly, the perceptions of most other people will come into line. Why? They see you as having equal value to them, because you just assigned yourself equal value. It’s the path of least resistance. Perception becomes reality, but this time you’re using it to your advantage.

The above tactic will work on the vast majority of guys and women you interact with. Still, there will be


those who want to throw cold water on the party, and you need to learn (and practice) how to defuse their efforts without getting upset or angry. There are many psychological tactics you can use to accomplish this, but I’ll keep it simple. Remember, there are always multiple ways of looking at the same situation. If someone is being sarcastic, for example, you can pretend to take it as a compliment. For other negative statements, you can behave as though the person meant something completely different. (Psychologists call this “reality projection.” If you can “hold” your projection longer than the others in the group can, they will begin to question their own views of reality. Yes, it sounds bizarre, but it works!)

The last thing I want to leave you with is that socializing, whether it’s with women or with other guys, is supposed to be fun. You should be trying to make them smile, and they should be trying to do the same for you. If they don’t, or if you don’t feel like you want to bother making them smile, then it just means that they’re not the right people for you to spend time with.

An acquaintance of mine was recently talking about how we live in an age where men rarely make friends with other men. The reason, he believes, is that guys, unless they’re jocks or alpha males, are too afraid of being humiliated or rejected.

Most guys understand this fear, I believe, because the very same emotions get in our way when we try to socialize with women. Maybe you got over that fear with women. If you did, it was through applying psychology, and you can very easily apply the same psychology when you’re looking for a guy friend. So let’s step back for a moment and think about human behavior in social groups.

First, reverse the question and ask yourself: “What do I look for in a friend?” No matter how you answer this question, whether you’re a jock or a nerd, an alpha or an omega, your answers will ALWAYS have one thing in common with everybody else’s.

You look for qualities that you find valuable. It all boils down to that. You certainly don’t want to hang out with someone who’s boring or socially empty. You want to hang out with people who are cool. So does everyone else.

But here’s where things start to go so wrong for so many of us. When you see someone you think is cooler than you are, you assign them a higher value than yourself, at least unconsciously. And the second, literally the second that you begin to interact with them, they unconsciously perceive your assignment of lower value to yourself. That, my friend, is what makes them inclined to reject or even humiliate you. You just gave them permission to do it.

How do you solve this problem? The first thing to do is to stop seeking the other person’s approval, because doing so automatically sets you up for failure. Tell yourself that you already have the other person’s approval, and that they have yours. Behave like this is true, and amazingly, the perceptions of most other people will come into line. Why? They see you as having equal value to them, because you just assigned yourself equal value. It’s the path of least resistance. Perception becomes reality, but this time you’re using it to your advantage.

The above tactic will work on the vast majority of guys and women you interact with. Still, there will be those who want to throw cold water on the party, and you need to learn (and practice) how to defuse their efforts without getting upset or angry. There are many psychological tactics you can use to accomplish this, but I’ll keep it simple. Remember, there are always multiple ways of looking at the same situation. If someone is being sarcastic, for example, you can pretend to take it as a compliment. For other negative statements, you can behave as though the person meant something completely different. (Psychologists call this “reality projection.” If you can “hold” your projection longer than the others in the group can, they will begin to question their own views of reality. Yes, it sounds bizarre, but it works!)

The last thing I want to leave you with is that socializing, whether it’s with women or with other guys, is supposed to be fun. You should be trying to make them smile, and they should be trying to do the same for you. If they don’t, or if you don’t feel like you want to bother making them smile, then it just means that they’re not the right people for you to spend time with.

To learn more about looking for guy friends, go to http://www.seekbromance.com.

by David Peyton
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Friendship and Women: Building the Foundations

Friendship can be one of the saving graces in the lives of many women today. Women who are in stressful jobs, unhappy marriages, toxic dating relationships or troubling parenting roles are looking to their friends for an anchor. Unfortunately some of the friendships that are meant to be a support are greatly missing the mark. Too many women are backstabbing one another, giving harmful advice or encouraging one another to take actions that are not helpful.

Below are a few rules of engagement for healthy, supportive friendships. When women have strong, healthy friendships, they can be life-saving. These rules will help create the strongest networks with the most positive influence.

1. Be honest. Too many women blindly back their friends’ behaviors even when the behaviors are off. Blindly backing one another is not helpful. If your friend was off in an argument with her child, partner or friend, don’t just agree with her that the other person was a jerk. Relationally tell her what you think. Also, don’t lie to your friend about how she looks, why you can’t go out with her or anything else. Lying breaks trust. Say the hard thing relationally and don’t cover it up.

2. Encourage her to find happiness within herself, not through someone else. Women are trying to prove their worth through the attractions of men. Don’t push your friends to “find a man” in order to feel happy. When you need a man to make you happy, you will meet the wrong kind of man — one who is likely to make you miserable. With your friends, be each other’s support rather than pushing each other to desperately find someone to complete them.

3. Do not talk poorly behind a friend’s back. If you have a problem with a friend, speak with them directly. If you are angry, hurt, concerned, annoyed or (fill in the blank), go directly to the source. Nothing can be solved if you’re talking to the wrong person. Take the high road and refuse to speak behind their back.

Friendships can be one of the most significant relationships in your life. They have the power to influence you that no other relationship can. Be sure that you surround yourself with people whose influence will be for your better, not worse. Hold yourself to that same expectation.

4. Be supportive not competitive. A true friend celebrates another friend’s success. Women continually try to downplay their successes with one another so other women don’t feel upset or jealous. Downplaying your success is crazy. Be proud of each other and encourage one another to go even further.

5. Hands off significant others. Although this should go without saying, I’m going to say it anyway. Stay away from your friend’s partner. I’m shocked at how many “best friends” have had affairs with their friend’s spouse. Really? Do not play with fire when it comes to your friend’s partner. Don’t flirt, don’t cry on their shoulder, don’t listen to the partner complain about your friend. And if you hear or see that your friend’s partner is seeing someone else-your loyalty is to your friend-tell her!

6. Be the friend you wish to have. Friendships are a balance of give and take so be sure that you are neither always giving nor always taking. Ask for help when you need it and offer help when you know they need it.

In general, creating healthy friendships requires healthy people. Pay attention to who you hang out with


and be sure that they are building you up, not tearing you down. Make sure you are doing the same for them. A friend is someone you can count on to lovingly give you the truth (even if it hurts), proudly cheer your successes on (even if she hasn’t been as successful) and gives you advice that’s in your best interest (even if she doesn’t follow it herself).

Be the friend you wish to be with and hold your friends to the same level of expectation.

Challenge #1: Take an honest look at yourself and your friendships and see what you notice. Look at the list above, choose one tip to incorporate that you think will help in your friendships and ask your friends to do the same.

Challenge #2: For the next three weeks, pay attention to how you follow the rules above. Are you honest-even when it’s difficult? Do you encourage your friend’s successes or try to hold her down? Do you talk behind your friend’s back when you’re angry or do you go directly to her and discuss your upset? Choose one tip from above that you need to work on and be diligent about doing so. Notice any shifts you see as a result.

Lisa Merlo-Booth is a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. She has worked with individuals, families and couples on a variety of life issues. http://www.relationalcoaching.com.

She earned her Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology from Pepperdine University in 1991 and has received her coaching training from Coach University. Lisa is the Director of Training for the Relational Life Institute owned by the renowned author, Terrence Real.

 

 More Friendship Tips

 

 

 

 

Encourage Your Partner to Spend More Time with You.

Do you constantly feel that your man is only spending time with you because you make him. Does it seem that he would rather spend time with anyone but you? If the answer is yes, then it is time that you did something positive to change the situation. Here are some ideas for you to think about:

Try to be happy with who you are. If you are constantly dissatisfied with who you are and what you have, then it is no wonder that he would rather go out with his friends or stay at work. Be happy and positive about yourself and you will be a more attractive and confident person to be around.

Make sure that you have your own life: It is not healthy for two people to spend all their time together to the exclusion of all others, no matter how much in love they may be. It is vital that you have some independent activities and interests. If he feels that you are just sitting around


miserably waiting for him to take you out, then that is not a very attractive thought to come home to. Having your own interests will give you something to talk about and bring to the relationship and will help keep things interesting and fresh. 

Encourage his other interests: Let him see that you are happy for him to have other interests. Show an interest in what he is doing and encourage him to talk about his hobby or sport. If he feels that he has your blessing for what he enjoys doing in his spare time, then he is more likely not to feel so pressurised into spending time with you.

Let the time together be about both of you. When you do go out or spend time with each other don’t just do things that you want to do. Take turns in chosing where to go or what movie you want to watch if you stay in. Let him talk about himself, don’t just make the conversation about you.

Dont spend your time together criticising him. If, when you do spend time with him you do nothing but criticise him, then he will avoid putting himself in that situation and will find even more excuses for not being with you, nobody wants to be criticised constantly. Make him feel good about himself and be positive about how you are both going to find a solution to your relationship problems.   

Finally let him know why you want to spend time with him. Remind him of how much you care for him and why you chose to spend your life with him in the first place. 

 

 

 

 

 

Main Reasons why Couples Divorce

The proportion of marriages that end in divorce is on the increase. It is sad that couples go for the divorce option when they find things lacking in their marriage, but what are the main reasons for divorce? Here are some explanations for you to consider.

Having an addiction

One of the main reasons for divorce is an addiction, either to alcohol, substances, or gambling. These addictions make it likely that a marriage will end up in divorce. If you always knew your partner had an addiction but married them nonetheless, then you must be prepared for some significant consequences. Do not hold the belief that your partner will change once you get married, as this is very rarely the case.

Being unfaithful

A partner being unfaithful is one of the main reasons for divorce. This is most common of male partners, although there are also women who are easily tempted into infidelity. Unfaithfulness is common in marriages. If a partner has an affair, it becomes very difficult to trust them again. Even if the affair ceases, if the trust is gone, then the marriage will likely be over.

Being abused

There are lots of reasons for divorce but abuse of a sexual or emotional nature is very difficult to get past. Counseling and rehabilitation would be needed for a long period of time. A marriage in which abuse has been a factor will very often end in divorce.

No commitment

If people get married while one or both of the partners is not ready for that level of commitment, then


the marriage may fail. There a number of explanations why people enter marriage before they are ready for it. This can be because of a pregnancy that was a surprise, or the partners may be in love but have not thought properly about their future life together.

Immaturity

If one of the partners in a marriage is still immature, this may mean the marriage ends in divorce. You cannot control a person’s lack of maturity. If someone is immature still, then they will be unable to properly process and understand issues.

These are the main five reasons for divorce. We can only prevent marriage ending in divorce if we learn how to compromise. You don’t have to rush into marriage. Hold off for the correct time so everything will go well. If you are already in a marriage, be adult enough to meet your responsibilities as a marriage partner and perhaps also as a parent. You can’t be selfish in a marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

Tips for Dating Filipino Women

Women from different countries have certain characteristics that are common to them. The Filipino expat woman is not an exception to this. There are so many common characteristics that define the Filipino woman and if you plan on getting serious with a true “Pinay,” be prepared to learn a whole new world of rules on dating and culture.

Here are a few tips on dating for men specifically for those dating Filipino women:

Know her dating mindset and culture. The Filipino expat woman is still deeply involved with her roots. Even if she has been working for a long time in another country, her values, beliefs, and traditions are deeply ingrained within her. When dating Filipino women, most if not all, believe and expect that men should cover the cost of the date. At least for the time being (during the dating stage), be prepared to shell out some of your hard-earned money when dating Filipino women. It’s not at all that bad. Most Filipino women like simple things and are very understanding so if you don’t have the budget for a particular date, just tell her and she can easily forgive you. Of course, do this with finesse and suave or else you might not see her again.

Respect her conventional ways. If anything, Filipino women are still very conventional.


It can take some time to get to know Filipino women because in her country, courting or courtship still exists. Know that she will not reveal everything to you right away so never rush her. This characteristic still holds true for the Filipino expat woman. This is not to say that she isn’t open to doing a lot of things. In fact, in Asia, Filipino women can be considered as one of the most open amongst Asian women. This in part is due to the many cultures that she has been exposed to.

Get to know her family. If you are in a serious relationship or considering dating Filipino women, you need to be open to getting to know her family. No matter how many years a Filipina stays abroad, the Filipina expat woman never forgets her family. Some even live with their families or support them financially. It is often said that when you marry a Filipina, you marry her family too. Don’t be overwhelmed. Most Filipino families are welcoming and hospitable. The decision to be with you partly lies in what her family thinks of you so it’s best to try to make her family to like you. If she sees that her family loves you, she will definitely love you more.

By Lori Abela 

Dating Filipino women can open up a lot of new possibilities for you. Filipino women are generally warm, loyal, and caring. If you find yourself falling for one, use these tips and you will find her holding on to you instead. Lori Abela is an expert on finding true love for expats. She has finally found the love of her life in her 40s. She shares her secrets to finding true love with the readers of http://www.manifestingmydestiny.com Lori is available for coaching, speaking engagements and consultancy.

 

 

 

 

Get your ex-girlfriend back without losing your dignity.

You are really in pain as you have  just recently broken up with your girlfriend. The only thing you can think of is “how do I get my ex-girlfriend back?” Read on to find out the answer.

The very first thing that you need to do is figure out the cause of the breakup. Did you constantly fight and constantly have issues? Or… did your eyes start to wander to other women? If it’s the second option then you need to stop acting childish because this process is extremely difficult, if this was the reason for the breakup. If you can’t commit to a relationship you really shouldn’t be in one as it’s extremely unfair to your girlfriend.

The next thing that you need to do is man up and admit to all of the mistakes that you made in the relationship. Spend a couple of days and figure out exactly what you did that contributed to the breakup. I know this is extremely hard, but check your ego at the door and determine all the mistakes that were made. That becomes your list of things that you need to change. It may sound bad, but you will grow as a person and your ex is going to appreciate it greatly.

Now it’s time to demonstrate to your ex that it’s a good idea for her to take you back. This can be a


little bit tricky because you need to demonstrate why she should take you back; however, you don’t want to come off as needy or desperate. That means no begging or pleading to take you back. Instead, start out with little messages like “Hey, what’s up?” and slowly progressing towards getting a coffee date.

Don’t expect this process to happen overnight, it may take several weeks at least so don’t rush it. If you start rushing things than you’re more likely to chase your ex away than get her back. These simple steps are proven methods to getting your ex back. Leave all the games and your ego at the door and become the guy she started dating in the first place. By not calling her and seeming like you’re needy and desperate you come off as extremely confident, which women love. In addition, when you do talk to her you seem very confident and not acting childish will make her want you even more.

You will also find some good advice here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Key to a successful relationship is good communication.

The key to a successful reilationship is good communication. From romantic relationships to professional relationships to parent-child relationships, it is important individuals learn to and are able to effectively communicate with each other.

Why is communication important? Good communication can and will increase the satisfaction of your life just as bad communication can and will reduce it. How so?

Well, we all have something to say and we all wish to relate our needs, desires, thoughts, and emotions to our romantic partners, co-workers, children, friends, and loved ones. Sharing our thoughts allows us to express our feelings, it relieves stress, and it is important for building a bond and strengthening the relationship. More importantly, if you communicate well you’re more likely to be well-liked and respected.

Communication is always important, but particularly important during time of conflicts and stress. It will prevent (or minimize) misunderstandings which can lead to unnecessary arguments. These are the times when our personal feelings and biases come into play and what we say is often reflected in our feelings, insecurities, and limiting beliefs. If you practice good communication skills, however, it will help you resolve conflicts at a faster rate.

Tips to Enhance Your Communication and Your Relationships

Listen: Listen to what you are being told. A person’s words are a good give away of what they want from you. Try not to add your own interpretation of their words. Repeat what they say in different words and see if your partner agrees with you.

Attention: When someone is trying to communicate with you, place your full attention on that person. Sometimes it’s tempting to split your attention between your partner and the television/ work/ other activity. It can even be tempting to just tune your partner out. This is hurtful and can cause your partner to feel insignificant to you.

Body language: A picture tells 1000 words. So does your body language. What is your body


language saying? Through your body language you can convey annoyance, boredom, love, disinterest, etc. It is best when body language matches what you are trying to say.

Be direct & concise: Often times we speak in code (especially women) and just want our loved one to guess what we want. Sometimes we say one thing hoping s/he will know we mean another thing. Of course this leads to confusion, fights, frustration, and disappointment. Be honest and direct (get to the point) when communicating.

Think ahead: Most of us (if not all of us) can recall saying something only to regret it as its coming out of our mouths. Words can be wounding. When communicating with your partner stay in the present moment and think about how your words will affect your partner and impact your relationship. Remember, once you say it you can’t take it back.

Need to be right: While it’s great to be right, we are seldom right all the time. Many times your discussion has nothing to do with who is right and everything to do with understanding where each of you is coming from. If there is a right or wrong, it’s important both parties accept responsibility for their own mistakes. Do not make your argument about whose mistake is bigger, or different, or stupider, or worse. Concentrate on solving the issue at hand and not on who is more right.

 

 

How to make him want to marry you.

Do you spend time wondering when and if your boyfriend will pop the question or worrying how he feels about marrying you at all? Well here we will look at how to move a man towards marriage without making him feel guilty or obligated to you. Many women spend too much time worrying about their relationships. If deep down you really long for marriage, you are not alone. In fact, there are many women like you who are waiting for a proposal but time seems to drag on and it’s not happening for them.

Men marry certain kinds of women who demonstrate certain personality traits. These women are able to influence the men they are with in a natural and authentic way. They dont try to trick or manipulate men in order to get what they want. It is all based on their behaviour. Once you can start to behave in the same way you will increase your chances of getting your man to marry you.

It really is very simple, men choose to be with women who make their life easier. These aren’t the kind of women who are responding just to make men love them. They first work on loving themselves, they exude a certain confidence that shines, then the men get hooked on their personality and can’t let go. They know how to be irresistible to their boyfriends. These men then get addicted to wanting them around and out of a natural desire to continue to feel good when these women are around them, they want to hold onto them.

Your best bet is to respond to your man in a way where you are triggering those lasting feelings of


attraction in him. Once you start to trigger those feelings, he’ll associate those good feelings with you. No man or woman wants to let go of good feelings.

The bottom line is: men marry women who make them feel good. If you’re not responding to him in a consistent manner where he feels you are making him feel good, he won’t want to stick around. Also, if you are facing his resistance, it is usually something that you are not aware of within the relationship that is causing the resistance. Getting your boyfriend to give you a deeper commitment will happen naturally when you remove this resistance out of the way. Women who know how to get men committed to them, behave in ways that makes them want to feel loyal and committed.

 

 

 

 

 

Signs that a relationship maybe near the end.

It can sometimes be hard to come to terms with the fact that a relationship has run its course. Especially if one or both members of the partnership are unwilling to acknowledge the fact. Sometimes there may be signs a relationship is over but the people in the relationship may still be unsure. Because of this uncertainty people often stay in relationships simply hoping the situation will get better with time. Sometimes people stay in relationships knowing the relationship is dead out of fear of the unknown. The fact of the matter is more often than not if the spark is gone and you are becoming increasingly irritated by the other person’s habit’s and general existence then the relationship is over.

Here are some telltale signs to indicate the end of a relationship.

1. You constantly find ways to avoid each other, 

2. The slightest conversation takes extreme effort and often ends up an argument.

3. Your sex life is virtually non existent or being intimate takes extreme effort.

4. Things you use to think were cute or sweet begin to annoy you.

5. You can’t even remember what it was you saw in the other person to start with

If you agree to any of these examples then your relationship requires some work.

Even when a relationship is on the rocks it is still a good idea to talk to your partner so that you can


both voice your opinions. You may discover that the problems aren’t as dire as you initially thought and you may be able to make amends. And if you can’t make amends at least try to part on decent and agreeable terms. A bad break up takes a lot longer to recover from and can be the underlying source of problems in a new relationship.

If you do decide to try to talk to your partner don’t do it at home. Go out, have something to eat and try talking over dinner, go for a walk or just somewhere you are less likely to get into a confrontational situation.

Things to try discussing are:

1. Is there any way the issues can be rectified?
2. Is there a particular reason for the distance that has developed between you both?
3. Could counselling help?

If you do decide to give the relationship another go it has to be a fresh start. There can be no bringing of old issues into the new beginning. Forgive yourself and your partner for allowing the relationship to get to that point and agree to take things slowly. Bring back the spontaneity by going on dates, trying new hobbies and interests together. Relationships are hard work and require dedication in order for them to work but sometimes there is no amount of work that will fix the damage that has been done. If this is the case then talking is still advisable no matter how difficult it may be. Regardless of what has happened there was a reason for your initial attraction and genuine love for each other. Try to hold onto that during the break up period and reassure yourself that just because this relationship doesn’t work there is no reason to believe the next one won’t.