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5 Ways to have a successful life long relationship.

September 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Most of us can think of couples who have been married for 30, 40, 50 years or more and who seem to be as happy in each others company as they were when they first met. As a relationship counsellor sadly I don’t see enough couples like this on a day-to-day basis. So what magic ingredient have these happy couples found?

Firstly it seems that they have a real liking of each other from the start. That is, they were not just physically attracted or infatuated but had a real connection. As the relationship progressed they have worked on and developed this connection. There seems to be at least five key aspects to this:

1. They are aware of each others changing needs and aspirations. We all change over time and the most successful couples seem to be aware of how their partner has changed and do not just assume them to be the same as they were when they first met. They take time to understand their partner in the present time and their hopes and plans for the future.

2. They continually find new shared interests. Couples will stay closer if they have shared interests. This is all the stronger if they can find new shared interests over the years. Getting stuck together in the same deep rut is not a recipe for a happy relationship. Whether it is a new hobby or a new shared dream of a business venture, this will help to keep a couple’s relationship fresh, young and healthy. 

3. They know how to argue. Even the happiest couples will argue.  But in a strong relationship, success is not defined by winning an argument or getting one’s own way, but from knowing how to discuss differences fully and honestly. If you constantly put your partner down when you disagree and at the end of an argument, you do not feel stronger and more connected than you did before you started, then the relationship is being eroded bit by bit. To have a successful relationship couples will know how to argue, they may disagree, but they end up understanding each other better and respecting their differences.

4. They accept the realities of getting older.  We all grow older and a couple in a strong relationship will ensure that they are there for each other. They will take care of one another as they deal with the physical challenges of aging and feelings of mortality. They share their thoughts on what lies ahead and take comfort from knowing that their partner will be there to support them no matter what happens.

5. They remain physically connected. You are never too old to hold hands, kiss or cuddle or have sex and couples who do this throughout their relationship are more likely to stay connected. Having a physical and sensual relationship together throughout life does seem to be a key ingredient to a successful long-term relationship.

These ingredients are not mystical but are something that we could all achieve with a bit of effort and commitment. The reward of having a supportive and loving partnership throughout your life has to make this effort worthwhile. No matter how long you have been together it is not too late to add these ingredients back into your relationship if they are missing. 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Long Term, Relationships Tagged With:

Are More Middle Aged Women Deciding To Stay Single?

September 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I remember the days when any unattached middle aged woman would be the object of pity and confusion for her friends. Some married couples may even be uncomfortable around a woman over age 50 who had chosen to stay single. It did not seem natural.

However, these days, more and more women over 50 are deciding to hang on to their single lives, at least for the time being. Many of these women are still attractive, successful, and friendly. They just do not want to commit to marriage right now.

How can we account for middle aged women who choose to stay single?

Freedom And Independence

A lot of these women have been married in the past. Some who did not marry, had long term relationships. Now that they find themselves unattached, they realize that they enjoy their new freedom and sense of independence. They are not willing to make the compromises that marriage requires.

These ladies may be enjoying the single life, and they feel like their cup is half full, and not half empty!

It is not that they are all selfish. In fact, many of these women have a lot of responsibility to children or other family members. They just find themselves comfortable with making their own decisions, without having to negotiate.

Other Responsibilities

The subject of children and other family members, like aging parents, brings up another reason that some older women stay single. They may just feel like these other obligations are priorities right now. They do not believe it would be prudent to bring another “family member” on board right now. They have decided that a mate would make things even more complicated.

These women may desire marriage at some point in the future, but are just not willing to commit to a long term relationship right now. They know that marriage takes work, and they already feel burdened with responsibility.

No Soul Mate

This may be the only sad reason that women over 50 decide to stay single. Some of these older woman have


become fairly set in their ways, and they have given up on finding a soul mate. Some may have been involved in a failed marriage or long term relationship. They may just need time to heal and find themselves. They may have given up o the idea of marriage entirely.

If this describes you, take care to still involve yourself socially. You can find lots of great things to get involved in. There are lots of classes, groups, or charities that could use your time and spirit. While you are involved in these activities, you could make friends. You may even meet a very special friend!

Everybody Does Not Have To Be Married

I do believe that some people are much happier when they are single. I think this is fine. I would just urge single people to avoid isolating themselves. You can still find plenty of social opportunities that do not require a lifetime mate.

By Marilyn Katz

Stop by the Over 50 Magazine and Website for more articles about the baby boomer lifestyle today! Also learn why a lot of women over 50 are deciding to stay single.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Advice for Women, Dating, Over 40`s, Relationships Tagged With: ,

Bring back some intimate moments in your relationship.

September 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

It is not unusual when you have been in a relationship for a while although you still have deep feelings for your partner to find you are not attracted to them anymore. Some people are perfectly happy with this and see it as a natural development. They are happy loving their partner as a life long companion and soul mate, problems may only arise when both partners do not feel the same and one sees a lack of intimacy as a sign that the relationship has gone stale. Even if you are happy with the way things are in your relationship, there is nothing wrong with trying to spice things up a bit and bring some more excitement back into your relationship. Something as simple as getting dressed up and recreating one of those early dates could be enough to get the pair of you also recreating that early fun.

Remember what attracted you to each other to start with.

Think back to the time when you were attracted to your partner, what was it that turned you on? Was it their smile, their looks or their sense of humour? You couldn’t wait to see them and be intimate with them. Has your partner stopped trying to look attractive, if so try to gently coax them into trying harder. Be positive, criticism will only make things worse. If your male partner used to wear well cut suits and now doesn’t want to get out of his sweat pants, suggest that you would love to see him in a suit again as he looks so handsome in one.

Be subtle about what turns you off, but it should be discussed

Always highlight what you do like about them and put any criticisms forward in a positive way. This I agree is not easy, but if you think that he could do with showering more you do need to discuss it, in a frank and positive manner.

Accepting negative feedback gracefully


Be prepared for the fact that just as your partner is not turning you on anymore, you may not be coming across as attractive to them either. So, while you are giving suggestions to your partner, encourage them to do the same as well. What you need to do is work together to bring the fun back into your relationship.

Excitement in the bedroom

One thing that will do wonders for the relationship is if you can spice things up in the bedroom. Create the right mood for an intimate evening and dedicate all that time to your partner. Make sure you both dress well and look good and you may just find yourself wondering why you ever thought there was a problem.

Improving health and fitness

One major reason why levels of physical intimacy wanes for a lot of couples is neglect to their health and fitness. You may both have put on weight and your energy levels are down and the kids and work are stressing you out. You need to try to fit some exercise into your routine. If you can do it together, so much the better. You both will start looking and feeling better, your hormonal balance and overall mood will improve and your energy levels will go up, all of which are known to impact favourably on your sex drive .

If you want to there is no reason why you cannot share a lifelong intimate relationship while still enjoying the comfort of having your partner as your best friend.

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Reconnecting, Relationships Tagged With:

How To Deal With Jealousy in a Relationship

September 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

To know how to deal with jealousy in a relationship, you must identify the root cause. Is the jealousy caused by the behavior of your current partner? Is it a result of being burned in your past relationship? Or is it just plain insecurity within you?

How To Deal with Jealousy in a Relationship because of your partner’s behavior

Is your partner the flirty type? Or has your partner broken your trust? Either way if he or she has given you a reason to be jealous and suspicious, jealousy due to this cannot be resolved by you alone. You need to constantly communicate with your partner this feeling and that he or she knows that if you are both to save the relationship, the offending or faltering partner needs to know that he or she has to work doubly hard to earn your trust again, creating, setting agreements to rebuild trust. This does not happen overnight and is a working progress.

The offending partner more than ever needs to know that you need constant reassurance and to win back your trust through transparency and openness. At this point be aware that because of a broken trust, you will tend to have a controlling behavior which might kill the relationship. Being aware of this will help you from being controlling.

Dealing with jealousy due to being burned in a past relationship is however a different matter. You should not come in a new relationship carrying jealousy issues over a past love, and learn to give your new partner a clean slate without casting on him/her a fault of someone else. Nevertheless, it helps to communicate this to your partner so that he/she understands you and can help you heal as you help yourself also get over this fear.


How to get over jealousy due to own insecurity

This stems from lack of self-confidence, and as such, you need to address your esteem issues. Strive to be the best of yourself in every aspect, taking care of yourself physically, cultivating your strengths whether it be at school, work, sports or hobbies. Socialize with friends so as not to put too much focus on your partner – one should never totally build one’s life entirely around your partner alone. You both need independent interests to have a healthy relationship too. And this will keep you from nitpicking on every move your partner makes.

Jealousy is a serious issue and should be dealt with early on, and certainly knowing the root cause always helps one to deal with jealousy in a relationship.

By Hazel Christine Herber

Is jealousy killing you inside and tearing your relationship apart? Find out more on how to stop this and more at author’s website: http://guidance-and-advice.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Relationships Tagged With:

Relationship Questions, Honest Answers and the Courage to Change: The Importance of Self-Awareness

September 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

All relationships know ups and downs. Doubts rise, from time to time, about the partner and the relationship. You ask yourself: “To what degree am I frustrated?”; “Do I have the courage to do something about the situation – and if so, what?”; “Should I leave or stay – and if so, what will happen next?”

The following is a story of one woman who, upon waking up in the morning, she contemplates these – and other – questions. I’ve heard these questions on numerous occasions. Stating such questions in one thing; having the courage and determination to make the necessary changes is another:

Morning Questions

The room was engulfed with darkness when she opened her eyes. Was it still morning or lunch time, she asked herself. Did she really sleep for so long? What time was it when she went to bed?

Why does she sleep so much lately? Hadn’t she even woken up when he left home? Had he given her a good-day kiss? Actually, when was the last time that he did? Does he even remember the times when he used to stay in late bed with her, when they just began going out together?

Have three years already gone by? Are they really so long a time together? Is it possible that he has changed so much since the first time they met, from being a wonderful person, loving and caring, to – to what, actually?


How come things between them have changed so much? And how come she didn’t even see it coming? Does it happen to other couples as well? But why should she care about others?

Would she want to begin all from the beginning? To fall in love once again? Would she then do anything differently? Would she then not allow her partner to take so much control over her life?

Would she then talk with her partner about their issues before the situation will deteriorate like it had now? Would she then not be afraid that her partner will get angry and mad at her?

But can she really expect things to be different next time around? Would she and her partner spend much time together, without him getting up so early to go to work and coming back home so late like her current one? But isn’t true that love – every love – diminishes with time? And the sex too? Isn’t it what has happened to all her women friends?

So does she really have anything substantial to complain about? Aren’t they free from financial concerns? Doesn’t everything go on routinely? So why is she, once again, in a depressed mood, contemplating “what could have been if…”? Is this a way to spend her day off from work? Does she really have the strength and courage to think about a new beginning with a new partner? And what if once again she’ll find herself in the same situation she’s in right now? Or even worst: what if no one will want her and she’ll stay alone for the rest of her life? Damn! Don’t these thoughts make her even more tired and depressed than before? Does she really have to decide right now? Wouldn’t it be better for her to close her eyes and fall asleep again, just for a little-bit more?

Explanation

It is very likely that you might have experienced similar mornings – or middle of the nights. These questions are, after all, recurrent ones and happen often when a relationship begins to deteriorate. The issue therefore is not whether these questions are common ones (which they are) but whether the individual knows what to do in order to change his/her situation

The woman in this story apparently doesn’t have the strength to change any thing, even though she is ambivalent about her relationship. Thoughts which apparently have been troubling her for a long time don’t relent. They come back to haunt her in the early hours of her day off. But as usual, although she lets herself grind them for the hundredth time, she can’t – just like she couldn’t previously – arrive at any conclusion. She is paralyzed by the fear of change, the fear of being alone and by insecurity. So instead of bringing herself to finally figure out what it is that she really wants, whether there is a way out of the miserable relationship she finds herself in, she escapes back to sleeping. Not for the first time, apparently.

Is it possible for her to begin all over again?

It is very likely that that’s the way she is. Loaded with fears and hesitations. When she asks herself what would have happened if she would have to begin all over again she knows already these are rhetoric questions: Would she then not allow her partner to take so much control over her life? Would she then not be afraid that her partner will get angry and mad at her? She doesn’t delude herself.


She knows that if she would have had to start all over again she would have behaved the same. Her fears and needs prevent her from changing her relationships. With current partner and with future ones – if she ever would have tried (which at this point in her life she will not).

Self-Awareness will enable her to stop being stuck in her current situation and change

My experience tells me that the best available way for this woman out of her current situation if to develop her Self-Awareness: to get to understand why she is being trapped in her fears and hesitations; what is she really afraid of: Abandonment? Loneliness? And if so, what’s the worst that can happen to her?

As she develops Self-Awareness, understands where her fears stem from and what needs and messages drive her behavior – (need for love and assurance? messages about the importance of having a partner?) – she will then be able to free herself from the power these fears, needs and messages exert over her (and over her patterns of behavior with her partners), and become empowered to develop and stay in an intimate relationship which satisfying and mutual.

Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counselor and consultant. He is the author of more than 100 articles on the subject and of: “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship”. Available as eBook and paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Relationships, Self Understanding Tagged With:

5 Tips to Make Friends in a New City

September 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

If you’re in the process of moving to a new city and want to know how to make new friends, these are my 5 best tips to dominate it!

1. What interests you: If you like hip-hop dancing, join a team or take classes. If you want to try snowboarding, do it! In my case, I have always been a musician so it was instinct for me to find local venues in the area. I tell people I’m new to the area and we quickly start bonding on bands we’re interested in, the music scene, etc.

2. Find local hotspots: I found that one of the best things to do even before you land foot in the new city, is to check out what other people are saying about the venues. For example, when I moved to Los Angeles for the first time, I instantly went on sites such as Yelp to look up spots that might interest me such as “Nightlife,” “UFC Gym,” and “music venues.” I may sound like a promotion, but it helped me weed out the good from the bad, from the really bad. These venues are going to be my second home, so it is definitely worth investing some time to research and find out what type of people you’ll be surrounding yourself with.

3. Milk the “newbie” card. What’s great about being the new guy in town is that people can understand you may not know people. It’s not weird or awkward going out by yourself. All I did was simply go to new venues, make quick small talk and drop that “I’m new in town and don’t know anyone. I wanted to see what the nightlife was all about.” And too be honest, if you have a good archetype you should have no problem with this. By doing exactly this, people usually immediately introduced me to their friends and people that they were associated with. In fact, one girl even went out of her way to meet new people with me just so I could add more people to my network! How cool is that!

4. Build your own social group. Lets say you want to surround yourself with like-minded people. Maybe “young professional” types. At first, I’d try searching for such existing groups online and if


there are some group functions available, I’d get acquainted with people within similar niches. However, if you can’t find groups like that make one yourself! For one of my friends, I thought it was cool how he brought out the young single professionals and put them in a venue together!

5. More than anything, have fun. The new city is going to be your new home so make the venues you frequent worthwhile and find like-minded people you can be yourself fully.

By Henry Son

Hope this helps! And if you want MORE golden nuggets on how to make cool friends  the 24/7 Attractive Man way, stop by my site: http://www.thecoolvp.com

More Friendship Tips

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Friendship, Relationships Tagged With:

Some mistakes women make with men.

September 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment

You have been out on a few dates and you feel you have made a real connection, when out of the blue he finishes with you and leaves you wondering what on earth it was you said or did wrong. It maybe that you did nothing wrong he just got scared of getting too close. Alternatively you might consider whether you made one of the following mistakes that guys are known to dislike most in women.

Were you over keen and came across as a bit desperate to find a long-term relationship? Did you try too hard to please him and always made yourself available whenever he called, appearing as if you had no life apart from him? Men like a bit of a challenge and will quickly get bored or take a women for granted if they make it too easy for them.

Did you always expect him to take the initiative and organise everything, meekly going along with whatever he suggested? Men actually like women to take charge from time to time, it shows them that you are confident which they find attractive. However the other side of this coin is being too controlling and organising everything without even consulting him. It is a question of striking the right balance between the two in a relationship.

Did you get too intimate too quickly? This is a tricky one to judge, as a rule it is best not to have sex on the first date if you want to have a relationship, however there are plenty of examples of couples who did and are still together happily years later.  If you were happy to get intimate with him when you did, that is up to you and if he finished with you because you ‘made it too easy’ then he probably wasn’t looking for a real relationship anyway and you are better off without him.


Did you always expect him to pay for everything? This is a real mistake especially if you have a well paid job. If you don’t want to be treated like purchased goods make sure you pay your way.

Did you tell him your whole life story too soon? Many women give away too much about themselves too easily. We all find a bit of mystery in a person attractive, so let him find out about  you over time. However try to avoid lying or pretending to be someone you are not, this is a real turn off for a guy, be comfortable with who you really are and people will love you for yourself.

If any of these apply then learn from your mistakes, be yourself and most of all don’t try too hard next time.

 

 More Dating Information for Women

 

 

 

Filed Under: Breaking Up, Dating Tips for Women Tagged With: , ,

How to ruin your relationship.

September 12, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Relationships are delicate things that have to be constantly tended if they are to survive. However if you are in a relationship especially a long-term one it can often be difficult to see how your own behaviour is potentially ruining it. So here are some common habits that are all too easy to form:

Doubting him.

If as a matter of course you disbelieve everything he says or does this is a disaster for any relationship. When he goes out with his friends do you check his phone, his pockets or social media sites the next day?  Trust is vital on both sides in a relationship if you don’t have this,what is the point in going on. 

Lying to him.

The most important thing in a relationship is trust and it is honesty which leads to it. You should be able to tell your partner everything, even if he may be initially upset. But if you find yourself lying about even the smallest thing then trust is going to fly out of the window quickly.

Constantly trying to change him.

He is the same guy you fell in love with so if you didn’t like the way he looked or sounded ,then why did


you start the relationship. Think how you would feel if he constantly criticised how you looked or what you said.

Public displays.

Never ever shout or argue in public save it for when you get home. Who wants everyone knowing their private business.

Criticising his family.

Most people are defensive about their family and even if they say bad things about their relations themselves they will never be happy if others do the same. So if you constantly put his relatives down you are not going to be too popular.

Disagreeing with him for the sake of it.

No-one can be right all the time so try to listen to his views and learn to value them. It is okay to disagree sometimes and this is healthy but not all the time as this will just lead to arguments and bad feelings.

Frequently comparing him with your ex.

He is not your ex and so why ruin your current relationship by dwelling on the past.

Getting angry for no real reason.

Even if you have a temper you should and must learn to control it in your relationship. Flaring up at the slightest thing will surely drive the most patient person away.

If all of this sounds familiar, then you really do need to consider whether you really want to be in this relationship or have you outgrown it. If you still truly want to be with this person then you will need to try to start behaving in a way that you would like to be treated yourself.

Filed Under: Advice for Women, Relationships Tagged With: ,

Be positive about being single again.

September 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Breaking up is always difficult even if you were the one doing the breaking up and you know it was the right decision in the long run. However it can be especially difficult if you were with your ex for a long time as the thought of being single again can be quite  daunting.  But you should try and start seeing the positive aspects of this time in your life and move on. You will however need to let go of your old relationship and learn to enjoy your new, free single life. 

First you will have to accept that your relationship is over and that, yes the right person for you is out there somewhere, but you are not going to meet them immidiately. In the mean time you are going to be content and enjoy your new single status. There are a lot of single people out there having a great life, so join them. 

Start by thinking of all the things you have always wanted to do or achieve. Write a list and start doing some of them now. Take up a new hobby, how about studying something in your spare time. All these things that you couldn’t do as your ex wasn’t interested and put you off. Start getting fitter and healthier. All these things as well as making you happier will also improve your confidence and self esteem. Engaging in new activities is also a great way of meeting new friends.


Phone old friends, all the ones you neglected because of that great long term relationship you had. Don’t just burden them with all your emotional baggage, but go out and have fun and do some of those new things with them. It is amazing how we let important friendships go when we find a new partner. 

Being single is actually not that bad as you now have total control over your own life and schedule. You can do whatever you like when you like and you no longer have to be accountable to anyone. Go out on dates and don’t be afraid to see more than one person at a time, just be honest with those you meet. There are a lot of people out there who don’t want a relationship at this point in their lives, just be sure that you are both happy and clear about what you want from the dates. So enjoy your single life and only when you are absolutely certain that you are ready, consider another full time relationship. Who knows you may have so much fun you might decide, like a lot of people that the single life is best.

Filed Under: Breaking Up, Self Understanding Tagged With: ,

How to start moving on after your break up.

September 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

If you have just finished a relationship especially if it was a long-term one, then moving on is one of the hardest things to do. We have all experienced it, there  is a real tendency to want to keep replaying the same thoughts over and over again. These ‘ if only’ and ‘what might have been’ thoughts even start to give you comfort which is not a good thing. Of course you should reflect on what did go wrong in the finished relationship so that you don’t make the same mistakes again or try to change something that doesn’t need changing. But if you do this too soon when your feelings are still raw then your emotions will cloud your judgement too much.

 The best way to get over a breakup and move on is to try to find things to take your mind off your ex and the breakup. Try to avoid places and things that remind you of your ex if possible, of course this may not be practical if you are still living in a home you shared together. But try to do new things, take up new hobbies or interests, ones that you didn’t share with your ex.

When you move on, you are facing up to the fact that your relationship is over, which is not easy as you may have put a lot into the relationship that has ended and were counting on it providing lasting happiness. But things will get better with time and you will find someone out there who is a better match for you than your ex was.

Start dating again

This is really important although it will be the last thing you will feel like. You do not need to look


for a serious relationship from the offset. But dating can just be a good way of getting out and meeting new people and putting some distance between where you are now and your finished relationship. It will seem strange at first but try to avoid putting your ex on a pedestal and telling yourself that no body will ever be as good as they were. Go out with a number of people and don’t rush into anything, avoid seeking solace from the first sympathetic person who comes along . Take time to find the right person but enjoy yourself along the way. You will soon find yourself thinking less and less about your breakup as you fill your life with new friends and experiences.

Filed Under: Breaking Up, Relationships Tagged With: ,
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