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Relationship Questions, Honest Answers and the Courage to Change: The Importance of Self-Awareness

September 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

All relationships know ups and downs. Doubts rise, from time to time, about the partner and the relationship. You ask yourself: “To what degree am I frustrated?”; “Do I have the courage to do something about the situation – and if so, what?”; “Should I leave or stay – and if so, what will happen next?”

The following is a story of one woman who, upon waking up in the morning, she contemplates these – and other – questions. I’ve heard these questions on numerous occasions. Stating such questions in one thing; having the courage and determination to make the necessary changes is another:

Morning Questions

The room was engulfed with darkness when she opened her eyes. Was it still morning or lunch time, she asked herself. Did she really sleep for so long? What time was it when she went to bed?

Why does she sleep so much lately? Hadn’t she even woken up when he left home? Had he given her a good-day kiss? Actually, when was the last time that he did? Does he even remember the times when he used to stay in late bed with her, when they just began going out together?

Have three years already gone by? Are they really so long a time together? Is it possible that he has changed so much since the first time they met, from being a wonderful person, loving and caring, to – to what, actually?


How come things between them have changed so much? And how come she didn’t even see it coming? Does it happen to other couples as well? But why should she care about others?

Would she want to begin all from the beginning? To fall in love once again? Would she then do anything differently? Would she then not allow her partner to take so much control over her life?

Would she then talk with her partner about their issues before the situation will deteriorate like it had now? Would she then not be afraid that her partner will get angry and mad at her?

But can she really expect things to be different next time around? Would she and her partner spend much time together, without him getting up so early to go to work and coming back home so late like her current one? But isn’t true that love – every love – diminishes with time? And the sex too? Isn’t it what has happened to all her women friends?

So does she really have anything substantial to complain about? Aren’t they free from financial concerns? Doesn’t everything go on routinely? So why is she, once again, in a depressed mood, contemplating “what could have been if…”? Is this a way to spend her day off from work? Does she really have the strength and courage to think about a new beginning with a new partner? And what if once again she’ll find herself in the same situation she’s in right now? Or even worst: what if no one will want her and she’ll stay alone for the rest of her life? Damn! Don’t these thoughts make her even more tired and depressed than before? Does she really have to decide right now? Wouldn’t it be better for her to close her eyes and fall asleep again, just for a little-bit more?

Explanation

It is very likely that you might have experienced similar mornings – or middle of the nights. These questions are, after all, recurrent ones and happen often when a relationship begins to deteriorate. The issue therefore is not whether these questions are common ones (which they are) but whether the individual knows what to do in order to change his/her situation

The woman in this story apparently doesn’t have the strength to change any thing, even though she is ambivalent about her relationship. Thoughts which apparently have been troubling her for a long time don’t relent. They come back to haunt her in the early hours of her day off. But as usual, although she lets herself grind them for the hundredth time, she can’t – just like she couldn’t previously – arrive at any conclusion. She is paralyzed by the fear of change, the fear of being alone and by insecurity. So instead of bringing herself to finally figure out what it is that she really wants, whether there is a way out of the miserable relationship she finds herself in, she escapes back to sleeping. Not for the first time, apparently.

Is it possible for her to begin all over again?

It is very likely that that’s the way she is. Loaded with fears and hesitations. When she asks herself what would have happened if she would have to begin all over again she knows already these are rhetoric questions: Would she then not allow her partner to take so much control over her life? Would she then not be afraid that her partner will get angry and mad at her? She doesn’t delude herself.


She knows that if she would have had to start all over again she would have behaved the same. Her fears and needs prevent her from changing her relationships. With current partner and with future ones – if she ever would have tried (which at this point in her life she will not).

Self-Awareness will enable her to stop being stuck in her current situation and change

My experience tells me that the best available way for this woman out of her current situation if to develop her Self-Awareness: to get to understand why she is being trapped in her fears and hesitations; what is she really afraid of: Abandonment? Loneliness? And if so, what’s the worst that can happen to her?

As she develops Self-Awareness, understands where her fears stem from and what needs and messages drive her behavior – (need for love and assurance? messages about the importance of having a partner?) – she will then be able to free herself from the power these fears, needs and messages exert over her (and over her patterns of behavior with her partners), and become empowered to develop and stay in an intimate relationship which satisfying and mutual.

Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counselor and consultant. He is the author of more than 100 articles on the subject and of: “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship”. Available as eBook and paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Relationships, Self Understanding Tagged With:

Be positive about being single again.

September 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Breaking up is always difficult even if you were the one doing the breaking up and you know it was the right decision in the long run. However it can be especially difficult if you were with your ex for a long time as the thought of being single again can be quite  daunting.  But you should try and start seeing the positive aspects of this time in your life and move on. You will however need to let go of your old relationship and learn to enjoy your new, free single life. 

First you will have to accept that your relationship is over and that, yes the right person for you is out there somewhere, but you are not going to meet them immidiately. In the mean time you are going to be content and enjoy your new single status. There are a lot of single people out there having a great life, so join them. 

Start by thinking of all the things you have always wanted to do or achieve. Write a list and start doing some of them now. Take up a new hobby, how about studying something in your spare time. All these things that you couldn’t do as your ex wasn’t interested and put you off. Start getting fitter and healthier. All these things as well as making you happier will also improve your confidence and self esteem. Engaging in new activities is also a great way of meeting new friends.


Phone old friends, all the ones you neglected because of that great long term relationship you had. Don’t just burden them with all your emotional baggage, but go out and have fun and do some of those new things with them. It is amazing how we let important friendships go when we find a new partner. 

Being single is actually not that bad as you now have total control over your own life and schedule. You can do whatever you like when you like and you no longer have to be accountable to anyone. Go out on dates and don’t be afraid to see more than one person at a time, just be honest with those you meet. There are a lot of people out there who don’t want a relationship at this point in their lives, just be sure that you are both happy and clear about what you want from the dates. So enjoy your single life and only when you are absolutely certain that you are ready, consider another full time relationship. Who knows you may have so much fun you might decide, like a lot of people that the single life is best.

Filed Under: Breaking Up, Self Understanding Tagged With: ,

Questions You Ask Yourself Help You Develop Self-Awareness and Succeed With Your Relationships

August 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

The American philosopher John Dewey stated: “A question well-phrased provides half the answer” .

As you embark on the Self-Awareness process and begin to observe yourself, asking and answering questions will help you focus and pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, attitude, reactions and behaviors and enable you to understand how they drive you to sabotage your relationships. It is quite likely that you haven’t asked yourself these questions before.

To help you with the process, I list here sample-questions you can begin asking yourself. Add as many others as you go along. The more honest you are in answering them, the more insights you will gain and the ways in which you harm your relationships.

1. Questions about yourself

* How do I usually behave when having a relationship:

- Am I authentic?
- Am I open and honest with my partner(s), or closed and cautious, afraid of being hurt?
- Am I true to myself and behave in ways that feel right to me? Or do I tend to sacrifice myself “for the sake of the relationship”?

* Do I tend to get into relationships due to the fear of being alone? If so, does it drive me to enter a relationship with whoever asks me out?

* Do I feel there is something I would like to change about myself, but are afraid to, or don’t know how? If so, what is this “something”?

* When problems and conflicts arise in my relationships, how do I cope with them:

- Am I aggressive, feeling that I am always “right”?
- Am I submissive?
- Am I too compromising?

* What, in my opinion, drives me to behave the way I do?

* Do I see myself as a person who “gives space” to my partner? If so, do I know whether it comes out of appreciation of his/her own space, out of an attitude regarding life and relationships, or out of my fear of commitment? (Each one of these might influence differently the ways in which you behave with your partner or with being single).

* Do I perceive myself as a person that never says NO? If so, is it because I am “accommodating”, or because my need for love drives me to avoid being rejected in all costs? Or -

* Do I perceive myself as a person who always negate what my partner wants and says? If so, what drives me to doing so?

* Do I see myself as a person who has “much love” to offer and therefore desire (and demands!) much closeness? Or could it be that my behavior is driven by dependency and neediness?

* Do I see myself as a person who “loves so much” and therefore tend to do everything for my partner? Or could it be that my behavior is driven by the fear of being rejected and abandoned?

* Could it be that “loving so much” actually originates from me being a controlling person who need to decide about and be involved with everything related to my partner?

* Do I see myself as a person who perceive my way of “doing things” as always the right way?

* And other questions related to your own issues that you can you come up with.

As you see, there could be different reasons for the way you behave. When you become aware of your behaviors and identify where they originate from you can better understand how you sabotage your relationships.

2. Questions about your relationship failures

* Do you think that the way you handle yourself in relationships is fine, and not having a satisfying relationship until now results from not having met “the right person” yet?

* Is it possible that you have been hurt in past relationships and are now so cautious that you hinder your own attempts at developing a new bond?

* Would you be willing to consider the possibility that something in you – your thoughts, attitudes, feelings, reactions and behaviors – drive you to fail time and again (due to fears, needs, unfinished businesses and other factors that control you)?

* And other questions like these related to your own issues and relationship history.

3. Questions related to your thoughts, feelings, attitude, reactions and behaviors

* How do you usually feel about what your partner says or does (for example: always agree, always disagree, and so on)?

* Which thoughts usually go through your mind while you interact with your partner (such as: “Am I smart enough?”; “Do I make myself clear?”; “Does my partner appreciate me?” and so on).

* Can you tell what your reactions and behaviors say about what kind of a person you are (for example: aggressive; submissive; a victim; shy; introvert; extrovert; honest; stingy; secure; independent; dependent; cautious; open; and so on)?

* What is your attitude when approaching dating, relationships and the other sex (for example: positive; negative; suspicion; mistrust; hope; and so on)?

* Are you often satisfied with the ways in which you handle yourself with dates and relationships? If yes, how do you explain your failures?

* If you are not satisfied with the ways in which you handle yourself with dates and relationships:
- How do you explain that?
- How would you like to handle yourself?
- What do you think stands in your way from adapting these ways?

4. Questions about factors that control you

If you have answered the previous 3 sets of questions you may be ready for this fourth set. It calls for a higher level of Self-Awareness, and deals with uttermost important issues which cause you too sabotage your relationships.

* Can you identify any fears which drive your thoughts, feelings, attitude, reactions and behaviors (such as: the fear of being alone; the fear of commitment; the fear of being hurt; the fear of abandonment)? Which of these fears discouraged you from having a relationship, or controlled you when having one? Have any of these driven you to jump from one relationship to another?

* Can you identify any needs which exert power over your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, reactions and behaviors (such as: the need for independence, the need to receive constant love and approval, the need for control)?

* Can you identify any expectations and fantasies you hold on to about partners and relationships? Thinking these over, do you think they are realistic? Have they ever harmed your relationships when not being fulfilled, by causing frictions, arguments, disappointments?

* Can you identify the attitude you usually have about partners and relationships (and towards the other sex in general)? Can you realize how it is being expressed in your reactions and behaviors?

* Can you identify which thoughts, feelings, attitude, reactions and behaviors repeat themselves throughout all your interactions?

* Can you identify any other issues which are unique to you which affect your thoughts, feelings, attitude, reactions and behaviors and hurt you constantly?

Asking questions: Summary

Questions well-phrased enable you to observe yourself carefully and come up with answers which will give you insights into the ways in which you sabotage your relationships. By doing so you develop your Self-Awareness and become able to:

* See, understand and acknowledge your automatic patterns of thinking, feeling, reacting and behaving;

* See, understand and acknowledge the factors you haven’t been aware of until now which control you and drive you to hang-on to these automatic patterns (such as fears and needs, unrealistic expectations and fantasies, messages you internalized);

* Realize the ways in which you have harmed your relationships.

* De-activate the power these factors have exerted over you;

* Become able to consciously choose to think, feel, react and behave otherwise; and

* Become empowered to develop and maintain a successful intimate relationship.

The questions listed above are intended to give you a “head start” as you begin to develop your Self-Awareness. The more you’ll come up with questions related to your own relationships’ issues and experiences, the more helpful insights you will gain about the ways in which you have harmed your relationships until now.

By

Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He is the author of more than 100 articles on the subject and of: “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship”. Available as eBook and paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/

More on Dr. Gil, his book and articles: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com

Filed Under: Relationships, Self Understanding Tagged With: