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Getting Past Infidelity – How to Trust My Husband After He Cheated

August 14, 2011 By Leave a Comment

“My husband cheated on me.” Those words are most likely, the most heartbreaking words a woman can ever say during the course of her marriage. To anyone who hasn’t been in the position of discovering their husband’s infidelity, they just seem like words. To a woman who has recently happened upon her husband’s adultery or was told about it by him, those words sting to the emotional core. There is an overwhelming rush of emotions that swallows a woman up when she realizes the marriage she thought she had didn’t really exist. Although many people who haven’t been in your position will tell you that the marriage can’t be saved, they’re wrong. Infidelity doesn’t have to define the end of the relationship. In fact, it can be the catalyst for change and a new beginning for a couple who had started losing touch with one another. Getting past infidelity can gift you and your husband with a marriage that is better than you ever imagined it could be.

There are obviously many steps that a woman must go through when she is working towards getting past infidelity. Regaining trust is one of the biggest obstacles and it’s often the one that a woman will struggle with the most. Accepting that the affair happened is very difficult, but once you’ve done that you’re left with a relationship that is based on betrayal and lies. Everything that you trusted in your life now becomes questionable. It’s actually not uncommon for a woman in your position to start questioning everything in her life and everyone she is close to. Losing trust has a deep impact and you can’t rush regaining it regardless of what anyone, including your husband, tells you.

Tell him that breaking off contact with the other woman is a must.

You cannot rebuild the broken bond of trust in your marriage if your husband is continually talking with or seeing the other woman. This is a case of take it or leave it with no exceptions. If your husband works with the woman in question he needs to make it incredibly clear to her that speaking about anything other than work is not acceptable. If he’s able to transfer to another division within his company or there are other jobs available in his field, this may be the ideal time for a shift in his career focus. If they don’t work together there is absolutely no reason he needs to see her, end of story. Make that clear to him in no uncertain terms.

Tell him that you need to have unrestricted access to him.

After the discovery of an affair it’s understandable that a woman’s mind never rests. She’ll wonder continuously where her husband is and what he’s doing. You need to be able to speak with him at your every whim. Tell him that this is an important part of your healing process and that he should view it as such. If your spouse balks at this idea and says that he feels as though you’re checking up on him, tell him that’s exactly what you’re doing because he chose to betray you. This isn’t something that you’ll need to do forever, but it’s an important part of healing. You’ll find a great deal of comfort in knowing that when you call him, he’ll pick up and be available and willing to talk with you.

Tell him that you want his online passwords and access to his cell phone.

This may feel a bit over the line in some respects, but this isn’t about snooping through his cell phone at every opportunity or reading his emails before he does. It’s much more about him showing you that he has nothing to hide from you. Request that he leave his cell phone in the open where you can access it when he’s home. Also, ask that he not take any calls in private for the time being. If you feel that he’s doing his best to be an open book, you’ll find that trust does return sooner.

Tell him that you want and need to spend more time with him.

As you and your husband move past the discovery of the adultery and move along the path towards rebuilding your marriage, spending time just with each other is fundamentally important. Not only will this help to reconnect the two of you, but it will also help to satiate your desire to know that he’s not doing anything that would jeopardize your marriage again. If your husband told you in the past that he was spending time with friends, but was in fact, spending time with his mistress, you need that time for yourself. Make plans to do things with him several nights of the week and on the weekends. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. Working out together, going for a walk or even watching television are all ways the two of you can reconnect again.

As you and your partner work together to get past the infidelity keep the lines of communication open with one another. Talk about the trust that has been broken and praise your husband when he does things that help rebuild the shattered bond. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he tells you that he wants to help you feel trust in him again. Although he must give a lot in order to repair the damage he’s done, you also have a role to play. You need to allow your heart the opportunity to find that trust again. If you can do that, you’ll slowly find the connection that you two lost.

Many couples have to face the issue of infidelity in their relationship. There are steps you can take to save your marriage after an affair.

You can get past the infidelity and rebuild your relationship with your husband so it’s more connected and fulfilling than it’s ever been before.

By Gillian Reynolds

Filed Under: Affairs, Cheating Husbands, Reconciliation Tagged With: , ,

I Don’t Completely Understand My Husband’s Infidelity – But He Says I Should Let It Go – Should I?

August 14, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I often hear from wives who are desperately trying to understand the reason that their husband cheated or had an affair. But sometimes, despite their husband’s attempts to explain, they still just don’t get it. And sometimes, a husband can be reluctant to discuss the real reasons for the affair (because he may not even understand them himself or he’s trying to spare you pain) and there are times when he will insinuate that you should “just let it go.” It’s understandable that, rather than continuing to struggle to understand something that might be impossible to ever understand, you can begin to wonder if you shouldn’t just try to let it go and move on.

I recently heard from wife who said, in part: “my husband has tried to explain to me that he isn’t entirely sure why he had an affair. He says that it might have been because he was trying to make himself feel better or to make his life seem more exciting. He keeps hinting that he was at a bad place in his life at the time. He says he can’t just make me a list of reasons why he cheated because he doesn’t entirely understand it himself. And he says that my continuing to harp on knowing the exact reasons make him very frustrated and discouraged. He bluntly tells me he wishes that I would just ‘let it go’ instead of dwelling on ‘why answers’ that we might never have. So should I let it go? Is it that important to completely understand why he had an affair?”

These are tricky questions to answer. I will discuss the reasoning behind my opinion on this in the following article.

Why You Should Have A Reasonably Good Handle On The Factors That Contributed Most To The Affair: I actually do believe that it’s possible that a man could be telling you his version of the truth when he says that he isn’t entirely sure why he had the affair. One of the contributing factors to an affair can be that a man is trying to run away from this problems. So the very fact that he’s avoiding them so aggressively can be a contributing factor to him not being able to give you a list of those same problems right now.

Is this a valid reason for you to just drop it? I don’t think so. While he may not understand why he had the affair (or hesitates to fully explain it,) this doesn’t mean that you don’t need to do your best to understand it. And I can get you started with at least some common reasons that men give me when they comment on my blog for cheating or having an affair. Many will tell you that although they didn’t intend to cheat or have an affair, they found themselves engaging with someone else because they got caught up in feeling appreciated, exploring something new, or enhancing the excitement in their life. This doesn’t mean that you were lacking in any of these areas. It can mean that, for whatever reason, they weren’t reaching out to you at the time and someone else was in the right place at precisely the right time.

Men will often have an affair after a period of self evaluation where they feel as if they’re coming up short somewhere. So, when someone shows them some attention, this feels very appealing to them and they begin to follow the pay off. Other times, men who have affairs are reacting to personal loss. They may have lost a family member or close friend or perhaps they have recently been through a serious illness. This can sometimes make them feel as if “life’s too short” so they take risks or act in ways that aren’t typical of them.

These reasons may or may not apply to your situation. I’m just trying to get you started in brainstorming areas that you might address or explore in the future. It’s vital to uncover, understand, and then address any issues that may have lead up to the affair. Because doubt while trying to recover the affair will sabotage your marriage and bring it to its knees faster than anything else. Recovery from an affair is tricky enough and it’s extremely important that you’re not walking on eggshells because you’re worrying that you’re going to repeat the same mistakes or that your husband is going to react to the same set of circumstances.

While It’s Important To Understand Why The Affair Happened, You May Never 100% Understand Your Husband’s Thought Process And Motivations: I can’t stress enough how important it is to affair proof your marriage after understanding what left you vulnerable in the first place. With that said though, it’s sometimes unrealistic if not downright impossible to believe that you can completely put yourself in your husband’s shoes in order to totally understand why he had an affair. One reason for this is that you have been hurt and directly affected by his actions. Therefore, it is usually next to impossible for you to feel any objectivity. Not only that, but sometimes we are coming from a place where we’re thinking things like: “I don’t care how bad my marriage was or how unappreciated I felt, I would never cheat.” It’s just human nature and there is nothing wrong with this. Finally, there are two versions to every story. While your husband may see your marriage or even his life in one way, it’s probably a pretty fair bet that you see it in another.

So while I can not over empathize the importance of digging deep to determine and then fix whatever contributed to the affair, I also know that it’s virtually impossible to understand every single angle of someone else’s thought process or actions. And, once you’ve done your best to understand and then fix the issues and you’re moving forward toward recovery and making real progress, then you’re sometimes at a point where continuing to look backward does you no good and may in fact end up holding you back rather than helping you to move on.

I really struggled with questions of “why” after my husband’s affair. I wanted to know the exact reasons that he would cheat on me. And although I did eventually get many of the answers I wanted, I also know that I’ve never 100% get it. But that didn’t mean that we couldn’t save our marriage, which is actually pretty strong today. It was a difficult process at times but it was worth it. If it helps you can read story of recovery after infidelity on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

By Katie Lersch

Filed Under: Affairs, Cheating Husbands Tagged With: ,

My Husband Admitted To Real And Deep Feelings For The Other Woman – What Can I Do Now?

August 11, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I often hear with women who are trying to break the spell that the “other woman” or mistress has over their husband. I recently heard from a wife who said, “three weeks ago, my husband admitted to having an affair with a woman from his gym. He said he was telling me about it because he wanted to save our marriage and he cancelled his gym membership and swore he would cut off all ties with her. He seemed very sincere. But he’s been sullen and withdrawn. After my asking him what was wrong with him for several days, he finally admitted that he has ‘deep feelings’ for this other woman and he’s confused and conflicted between his loyalty to and love for me and his feelings for her. She came by his office last week and he asked her to please leave him alone while he was sorting out his feelings. I am so hurt by this. I feel like I really don’t stand a chance because of his perceived feelings for her. He hasn’t even known her for very long but now supposedly she’s his soul mate. What can I do about this? How can I make him see that these feelings probably aren’t even real? He doesn’t even know who this woman really is. I had a friend of mine do a background check on her and she has a bankruptcy and some foreclosures, neither of which my husband knows anything about it. How can I make him see her for who she really is?”

These are all tough questions. Because although you are often quite sure that these “feelings” are born out of lies and deception, they can feel quite real to husbands, at least at the time. And often, when you try to expose the other woman as the fraud that she is, this makes you look like the desperate bad guy which can only reinforce those phantom feelings. In the following article, I’ll discuss what I think is the best strategy to use in this situation.

Know That It’s Not Likely That You Are Going To Be Able To Change Your Husband’s Feelings For The Other Woman By Force: Many wives in this situation feel that they need to “out” the other woman or make the husband see her for who she truly is. The hope is that once he sees that everything about her is false, he will realize that his feelings are also false. Unfortunately, this often is not the way that it works. Your husband knows that you are deeply invested in changing his feelings for the other woman. So, he’s likely to doubt what you are telling him, even if it deep down rings true.

And sometimes, even if he eventually finds out the truth, he may still discount it because he might think that the circumstances surrounding his feelings have nothing to do with the feelings themselves. It’s very common for people who are in the middle of infidelity to become very good at justifying their actions and their emotions. Sure, they may know that what they are doing is wrong, but they’re able to put those doubts on the back burner. The same holds true when anything might get in the way of their feelings. They want their feelings to be strong enough to justify their actions, so it only makes sense that they are going to discount or downplay anything that is going to question those feelings. After all, once they admit the feelings aren’t there anymore, then they have to also admit that they caused all of this pain and turmoil for nothing at all.

Time, Patience, And Integrity Will Often Lessen These False Feelings Better Than Anything Else: Beware that when you try to “force” or “make” your husband change his feelings for this other person, he’s likely to see you as the manipulative one. You want for the opposite to be true. You want for him to eventually see her as the bad guy and you as the good guy. So as strange as it may feel, often the best thing that you can do is to take the high road and bide your time. Conduct yourself with respect and dignity and know that he will eventually see things more clearly.

The impact of the husband’s discovery of this woman’s past was going to be so much greater if the husband found these things out for himself. And, time has a way of making the truth come out. When things are shiny, new, and forbidden, the feelings are so much more intense. But once things are out in the open and become routine, the feelings begin to lose a little of their power. Often, the best thing that you can do is to understand this and to just wait until the inevitable happens.

Once she’s no longer a forbidden person that he can only see during stolen clandestine moments, she starts to look more like an average, ordinary, middle aged woman. Once this happens, the feelings can turn average and ordinary as well. I know it’s tough to wait for this to happen. And at the same time, it’s very tempting to try to turn his head back to you. Nothing says you can’t continue to work on your marriage and on reestablishing your bond. But my best advice is to focus on reestablishing his feelings for you and having confidence that his true and “real” feelings for her will reveal themselves over time.

Don’t give her more power over you by continuing to focus on their relationship. Once you move on and turn your attention toward yourself and your husband, the rest will often eventually sort itself out.

I know that it can be hard to keep the faith when you’re trying to move past an affair. I remember feeling pretty hopeless when I was in this situation. But once I placed the focus on myself rather than on my doubts, things changed dramatically for me and my marriage recovered. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

By Katie Lersch

Filed Under: Affairs, Cheating Husbands, Reconciliation Tagged With: ,

The Harm of Cheating Websites.

August 11, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Cheating websites have become common on the internet. So many affairs are happening between married men and women and men and women who are in committed relationships, but find the intrigue of these websites too provocative to resist.

The dangers of these sites are just common sense. Frequenting them can destroy a present relationship and even bring on “addictions” that are difficult to resist. Some of these cheating websites advocate online affairs and some encourage members to personally meet for sex.

Since the Internet has entered most of our homes, the ability to cheat has become a real problem. First, there are fewer inhibitions when meeting someone on the Internet.

You may tell a “faceless” person much more about yourself and be less sexually inhibited through this method of exchange. We all know that people talk much more freely to a hairdresser or a stranger that we meet on an airplane, and the Internet makes it possible for you to exchange much more information in a short period of time.

There are several types of people who use the Internet to meet others. One group is totally innocent and joins chat rooms and websites because of an interest in the subject matter or a desire for friendship or to develop a meaningful relationship.

Another group likes to chat on the internet – perhaps from loneliness or low self-esteem. Remember, it’s a way to meet people without the fear of personal rejection. These people might enter into cyber-sex, but it’s not usually why they joined the site in the first place.

Then, there’s the cheater group – those who enter cheating websites strictly for sex. Cyber-sex is the answer for those who fear meeting others in person, or it may satisfy perverted desires, such as luring children onto the site for cyber-sex.

Those who are experienced in cheating websites may choose locations that are quite a distance away so they can maintain anonymity – or, they might choose a city where they travel frequently so they can eventually meet their cyber-sex partners.

Most members of cheating websites will eventually become involved in phone sex. Some of these cheaters are married or supposedly in committed relationships but have a desire to go outside for a lurid form of sex or connection. They will excuse their behavior by telling themselves that they aren’t actually cheating since they’re having no physical contact with their cheating partner.

But, cyber cheating on a spouse or partner is dishonest and can lead to other immoral conduct. Lying about marital status, revealing information about your current partner or yourself (whether innocently or not) and connecting with an underage sex partner are all possible outcomes of cyber-cheating.

Last, but perhaps most important of the perils of cheating websites is the possibility of contracting STDs if and when the cyber-relationship turns into a physical affair. Bringing home a sexually transmitted disease to a spouse or partner is highly possible and the heartbreak and turmoil will be devastating.

Before you visit a cheating website, think about the consequences and ask yourself if the results are worth it.

For more information on this and related subjects go to: http://weneedmorelove.com/

By S Brooks

Filed Under: Affairs, Cheating Husbands, Cheating Wives Tagged With: , ,

Is Your Partner Cheating? Beware of These 5 Warning Signs.

August 11, 2011 By Leave a Comment

There are 3 key things to look for if you are suspecting your partner is cheating – change, secrecy, and attitude. In this article, I will break these 3 things down into more specific examples of warning signs to watch out for in your partner. Here are 5 common warning signs:

1. Computer Usage. Is your partner on his/her computer more often than usual? Do they tend to “exit” out of it, or fold their laptop lid down, when you walk in the room? Do they frequently stay up late, after you’ve gone to bed, on the computer maybe telling you that they are playing a game or doing something work-related? Do they have their computer password protected?

2. Out More. Does your partner seem to be out more these days? Are they staying late at work more frequently than they used to? Do they run more “errands” these days? And how long do the “errands” keep them out? Longer than they should? Basically, does your partner seem to look for reasons to get out of the house?

3. Hygiene. Does your partner have a sudden change in hygiene? Are they making more of an effort to look, or even smell good when they go out (without you), whether it be to “run errands” or going to work, etc.? Maybe they are all of a sudden wanting to lose a few pounds? Are they coming home and showering right away?

4. Treating You. Is there any change in how your partner is treating you? Are you arguing more? Is he/she storming out of the house alot (and maybe staying out for awhile when they do)? Does he/she seem to pick the fights? Or maybe it’s the opposite in the way they are treating you…like they’ve got you on a pedestal? Is he/she giving you “just because” gifts all of a sudden? (I know, you don’t want to believe in your partner cheating when they are buying you gifts!)

5. Intimacy. Has the intimacy with you and your partner changed in any way? Has he/she shown a lack of interest in sex? Or maybe he/she wants to try new things that they’ve never talked with you about before when it comes to sex? Does your partner suddenly seem to lack interest in touching you in other ways such as hand-holding, kissing, hugging, etc.?

Is your partner cheating if you’ve answered yes to any (or all) of these questions? No, not necessarily but trust your instincts and be on alert. It is a good idea to get some real proof though before accusing your partner of anything. Yes, these are common warning signs for cheating but please keep in mind that your partner may just have other things going on that is making them act a certain way, so talk to them but in a non-accusing sort of way if the proof isn’t there. Good luck!

By K. Carls

Filed Under: Affairs, Cheating Husbands, Cheating Wives Tagged With: ,

Stuck in Affair? How to Break Free From an Affair.

August 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Being stuck in an affair means that you are unable or unwilling to give up the affair and the person you are involved with either because he provides something that your partner doesn’t or he has qualities that you love or he simply makes you feel wonderful. It is a sticky situation with the potential for an emotional blowout and you need to break free from it sooner than later or there will be a lot of hurt when your secret invariably comes out. But how do you break free from an affair? What do you need to do to break free from an affair?

1. Weigh the two men honestly and realistically. You must find a way to put the two men on a weighing balance and decide which one you want. If you are stumped then you may need to go back to the basics and make a list of the good and bad points of each man and include the emotions that accompany each man. The bottom line question that you must answer is; which of the two can you not live without? Which one ‘outweighs’ the other?

2. What is it that you really want? To break free from an affair you must determine the kind of relationship that you want. Will a continuing affair be enough for you? Do you want a relationship leading to commitment in the future or are you happy in a short term relationship that may not have a future? Search your heart and find out what it is that would make you happy and satisfied. Don’t let the distractions of what is happening fool you into a false security that you don’t have to decide because if you do not decide then circumstances may conspire against you and decide for you.

3. Check the availability of each man. Now that you know which one you want and what you want for yourself you need to determine which of the two men will meet your relationship needs. Which of them is available for the kind of relationship that you desire? What are you willing to give up in order to get the relationship that you want? If the one you cannot live without cannot give you the relationship that you want; are you willing to take whatever relationship crumbs he offers? If the one you rated second can give you the relationship that you want will you compromise so that you get the relationship you need without the man that is first on your list? This will be the hardest part of the process of breaking off an affair but you must do this so that it is clear to you what you will give up and what you will gain from breaking free from the affair.

4. Make a decision and live with it. Make the decision that you can live with. You may not get all that you want but it should be the best possible decision for you. Once you have decided you need to set about building the relationship with the chosen man… and no looking back! Do not look back with regret or longing or reminiscing as that will pull you back into the affair. You will miss the one that you gave up and sometimes you may think that you made a mistake but you should keep consulting your list to encourage yourself. Realize that relationships are about give and take and about loving the one that you have chosen.

To break free from an affair requires a head decision and then a daily walking in that decision. It will not be easy because if truth be told you really cared about the one that you let go but it’s only in rare circumstances that you are able to double-deal two men for any length of time before they find out and both get so injured that the decision on which one to stay with is taken out of your hands. Break free from the affair today before one or both of them find out. You know the saying ‘a thief has 40 days’ well it means that you can only get away with an offense for a limited time before you are caught. Don’t wait to get caught!

However if you want to salvage your relationship then I would recommend the 4 relationship saving ways to help you on your chosen path but if you just need help defining for yourself what it is that you really want and need then I would recommend this guide to your ideal mate and relationship.

By Rosy Anderson

Rosy Anderson is a researcher in social economic issues and the way they affect decision making; and she enjoys writing and being in healthy, happy relationships.

Filed Under: Affairs, Finishing Tagged With: ,

Getting Past Infidelity – What Are the Stages of Getting Over an Affair?

August 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Infidelity in a relationship causes a pain similar to that caused by a great loss. When it happens to you something in you dies and you then have to go on in life without it. It’s a loss of the complete trust that you had in your partner and the loss of the contentment that you enjoyed because you had the assurance that all was well in your relationship (and consequently in your life). Getting past the infidelity will thus not happen in an instant but will instead happen in stages. What are these stages that you pass through in getting over an affair?

1. Disbelief and denial! You just cannot believe that he would do this to you and put into jeopardy the life and relationship that you share. Many of us get stuck at this stage because we just cannot wrap our minds and emotions around the fact that he has cheated. You may see all the signs that all is not well in your relationship but you may be unwilling or unable to accept the fact that he is cheating on you. Somehow you feel that accepting the fact of his infidelity will make it real but if you do not accept it then it will somehow lessen its reality and existence. Your reasoning is that what you do not acknowledge does not exist and thus cannot hurt you. You just do not want the reality of his infidelity to spoil the perfect relationship that exists in your mind. Facing the reality of his cheating would just be too difficult for you. But getting past infidelity requires that you face reality head-on and stop making excuses for your man or pretending that nothing negative is happening. If the reality is that he has cheated then no amount of denial or burying your head in the sand is going to change that truth.

2. The incredible hurt. Once you have accepted that infidelity has taken place then the pain explodes on you. You are hurt because his infidelity suddenly makes you realize that he doesn’t value you as much as you thought. Infidelity tears down the specialness and exclusivity that you once shared since by his infidelity he allows another woman to share in the intimacy that was meant only for the two of you. You are hurt and your self-worth takes a beating. You wonder why it is that you weren’t enough for him and you begin to accuse yourself of failing to satisfy him or of not being attractive enough or whatever other negative thing that you accuse yourself. In this stage you are trying to understand ‘why’ he did it. This is the second stage in the process of getting past infidelity.

3. The raging anger. At this stage the anger sets in and you are besides yourself in fury. How dare he do this to you and your relationship? You do not believe that he could be so selfish. At this stage you can do real physical damage to him or the things that are around you since your anger is looking for an outlet. Getting past an affair requires that you channel this anger properly so that you do not do something that will haunt you and dodge you throughout the rest of your life. Be angry at him and what he has done and divert the energy from this anger into taking care of yourself. Whenever the anger comes do something that builds you up and makes you a better person as a way of dispersing it. Avoid the alcohol or any other emotion numbing avenues as they mask the pain and for you but for you to get past the infidelity completely you must feel.

4. You come to terms with the new reality. You now accept that your partner and your relationship are not what you once believed they were. He has faults that you did not know about before. Your relationship is not as happy and blissful as you once thought. You may still feel hurt and anger but you have come to the place where you see him and your relationship in a new light. He is not all bad but he has some serious character flaws or makes poor decisions when in certain circumstances. You shared some happy and memorable times but your relationship had some real problems and he was unable to come to you when that happened.

5. You make a decision. Based on what you now know to be true about him and your relationship you now decide whether you will end the relationship or work at mending what you had. Only you can make the decision that you can live with. If you cannot stand him and his deceiving ways then you may need to break it of but if you still love him and want him to be a part of your life then you may want to walk the path of forgiveness and reconciliation with him. You know yourself and what you can or cannot live with so make the decision that works for you.

Getting past infidelity is a process that must follow the 5 steps given. It will be a process and your emotions will go back and forth across the different stages but you must keep walking through the process so that you can put the infidelity behind you.

However if you suspect that your man had the affair because he wants to break up with you then use these break up signs to help you understand and reverse the process but if you keep attracting hurtful men then use these relationship insights to help you change the message that you are sending out.

By Rosy Anderson

Rosy Anderson is a researcher in social economic issues and the way they affect decision making; and she enjoys writing and being in healthy, happy relationships.

Filed Under: Affairs, Reconciliation Tagged With: , ,

What Is The Best Thing To Do After Admitting To Cheating Or Having An Affair?

August 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I sometimes hear from people who have just admitted that they’ve been cheating or having an affair and they don’t know what to do next. Sometimes, their spouse is having a very negative reaction or is peppering them with questions that they don’t know how to answer. They want to do and to say all the right things, but they aren’t sure if honesty is the best policy or if they should try to minimize the damage. Sometimes, they want to physically reassure their spouse but they are worried that their touch is going to be repulsive.

I recently heard from a wife who had just confessed having an affair with a coworker. She confessed because she wanted to. Her husband wasn’t suspicious and truly had no idea that she was being unfaithful. She said, in part: “I just told my husband about my affair. I have ended things with the other guy because I realized that my marriage was too important to me to risk it. I struggled with whether to admit things to my husband but I decided that complete honesty was the only way to go. At this point, my husband appears to be just shocked and numb so I have no idea how to proceed. Should I just take my cues from him? Should I leave him alone for a while? What happens now?”

I was the cheated on rather than the person who cheated in my own marriage, but I have a definite opinion about the best way for the unfaithful spouse to proceed, which I will outline below.

Allow Your Spouse To Take The Lead But Know That They Might Be Expecting The Same From You: A very common problem that I see happen time and time again in this situation is that both people are waiting for the other one to set the pace. Often the faithful spouse isn’t sure what the cheating spouse really wants. Yes, they have confessed and they are saying that they want to save the marriage. But often, you can’t help but wonder if that is their guilt talking or if there is something else that is motivating them.

So, it’s very common for the faithful spouse to watch the other like a hawk and analyze every comment, every gesture, and even every facial expression. At the same time, the cheating spouse is sometimes dealing with their own fears and concerns. While they often want to hold and comfort their spouse, they will often hesitate because they worry that their touch will seem repulsive. They fear rejection so they will often wait for their spouse to tell them what to do. The problem is, the faithful spouse is often waiting for exactly the same thing. And this is how misunderstandings take hold.

It’s better to try to be very open and honest about your confusion and hesitation. If you are the cheating spouse, you might just say something like: “I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. I want to support you, but I also want to give you some space if that is what you need. Are you able to share with me what would help you or support you the most right now? I’m willing to do whatever it takes, but I don’t want to push too hard or make you uncomfortable. My first concern is you and your feelings. So, to the extent that you can, it would help me if you could share what you I could do to help you the most.”

Be prepared for your spouse to answer with a request that you leave them alone for a while. Sometimes, that is the best call for the time being. With that said, some spouses do want physical confirmation that you still love them and that’s fine too. There are no “wrong” requests. What’s most important is doing your best to find out what your spouse wants and needs and trying to fulfill it as best as you can.

Get The Most Appropriate Help Available For Both of You: It is human nature to want to minimize the impact of the affair. Because if you look the fall out and the damage right in the eye, you have to fully admit what a grave mistake that you have made. So, it’s natural to want to tell yourself that things are not so bad and that, with a little patience and time, you will be able to move past this.

I have to tell you that it isn’t always as easy as you might hope right now. There are often multiple issues, some of which you may not even be aware. You’ll usually need to address both martial and individual issues at a time when you’re both hurting. It can be very difficult to have the perspective that you need and it can be even more difficult to act appropriately when you are in such pain. I realize that not every one is comfortable with counseling, but you should at least educate yourself about the recovery process after an affair. It’s very common to hope that things will work themselves out, but in reality, few couples are able to truly and completely heal without a little help, at least in my experience.

I understand the wish to keep this private and to deal with it in your own way, but few people are equipped to handle this very multi faceted issue alone. In my opinion, it says a lot about the unfaithful spouse when they are willing to not only admit and take responsibility for their mistakes, but to also step outside of their comfort zone and procure the help, counseling, or resources that both spouses might need. Because this indicates that you care more about your spouse and your marriage’s healing and less about your own discomfort.

By Katie Lersch

My husband’s willingness to do whatever I needed after his affair said a lot about him as a person and was central in helping us heal our marriage. This process wasn’t always easy but it was clear from the beginning that he was willing to take the lead. If it helps, you can read about our recovery process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Filed Under: Affairs, Reconciliation Tagged With: ,

Seven Common Methods People Will Use To Spy On Their Spouse

August 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

In almost every relationship you’ll have one partner that is suspicious of the other partner and will stoop to snooping. If you think your spouse is spying on you then you’ll need to take a look at these most common methods people use to spy on their partners.

1. Credit Card and Cell Phone Bills:

Spouses will snoop on each other by methodically going over the credit card bills, cell phone bills and carefully scrutinize ever phone call and every financial transaction looking for signs of cheating.

2. Telephone Tape Recording:

It’s very simple to buy a voice activate digital tape recorder from any electronics store. Some can record up to 24 hours. You can leave one behind in a car or room or attach to a telephone to record all the conversations.

It’s very simple these days to download key logging software to record every keystroke typed onto a computer keyboard. This information is compiled and emailed to the snooping spouse up to 10 times a day. Some key loggers can be installed remotely via email.

4. Online Infidelity Investigation:

This is where a suspicious spouse will take their partners email address and trace it back to secret personal ads on online dating services.This type of investigation can be expanded to include porn sites, escort service sites and even Internet gambling sites.

5. Computer Hard Drive Forensics:

Often a snooper will turn over the family hard drive to recover deleted emails, browser history and deleted pics. In some cases years worth of incriminating deleted data can be recovered from a computer hard drive.

6. Cell Phone Forensics:

This is where you take a cell phone and recover deleted texts messages, pics, call logs and other data from a cellular phone.On some model phones like the iPhone you can recover up to two years worth of location tracking information. Today this is considered to be the best resource for any investigator investigating infidelity.

7 Asset Search Investigation:

Many times an asset search investigation can discover hidden funds, secret bank accounts and even vehicles or real estate that a spouse is completely unaware of. This is a sure sign of infidelity or a pending divorce.

If you believe your spouse is spying on you, you might want to contact a private investigator that specialized in counter surveillance and hacked computer investigations. many times they can discover evidence of computer hacking, key logging or unlawful wiretapping.

Copyright (c) 2011 Opperman Investigations Inc

Ed Opperman is Pres Of Opperman Investigations Inc. If you suspect someone is reading your emails you need a hacked email account investigation. Visit http://www.emailrevealer.com to locate or identify the hacker.

Filed Under: Problems, Relationships Tagged With: ,

How To Forgive a Cheating Husband And Live To Tell About It!

August 6, 2011 By Leave a Comment

The very fact that this question, “How to forgive a cheating husband”, is something you are mulling over in your mind is a good indication that you are going to be able to accomplish this difficult feat. Forgiveness is not so much something we do, but something we are. What I mean by that is forgiveness is more a mindset than an isolated incident here and there.

I believe that forgiveness is a moment by moment lifestyle, where we determine in our hearts and minds, each and every morning if need be, that we are going to experience life and daily issues through the eyes of forgiveness. This means that we have already pre-determined that when an issue or crisis comes up that involves forgiving, that we will offer the needed forgiveness regardless of the circumstances surrounding that situation.

I’m not taking about enabling, or just blindly turning away from the very “real” stuff in life that hurts and wounds and has the potential to destroy. What I am saying though, is that it is inevitable that these things are going to happen in our lives, at some point or another, and that we can be prepared for them with a mindset of forgiveness.

I believe if you develop this “moment by moment forgiveness” in your life you will begin to find that the things you once saw as a “crisis” or “monumental” won’t seem to be so daunting. And I mean everything from how to forgive that person who accidentally ran over your toe with a shopping cart to how to forgive a cheating husband. If you understand the core principle of forgiveness it doesn’t matter what circumstance you are applying it to.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying having your foot run over is the same as having your husband cheat on you! The repercussions and consequences, of each scenario, are worlds apart. What I am saying is that if you determine that you are going to forgive, regardless of the offence, than you have already won the battle. This is so important because what forgiveness does is free you from the effects of what was perpetrated on you. We don’t have the luxury of deciding how everyone will treat us. But we do have the ability to choose how the things people do will affect us. And here is the crux of the matter… forgiveness is a choice. On the flip side, holding a grudge, becoming bitter and resentful, and living in anger and hatred are also, just choices. Until you understand, and I mean the “Aha moment” kind of understanding, that you can choose to forgive as easy as you can choose not to, you will struggle with this issue and continue to go round and round but not get anywhere.

If you are at the crossroads of how to forgive a cheating husband, but cannot clarify or grasp that forgiveness, than think with me further…


You need to come up with a definition of forgiveness – what does it mean to you personally? It really is a vague term… whether it is because of different backgrounds or belief systems, forgiveness means a lot of different things for different people. What you need to do, though, is formulate an understanding of how you view forgiveness. Here are a few steps that may help:

Step #1: In Your Own Terms Define Forgiveness

Take a few minutes and think through forgiveness. What do you comprehend it to mean? Write out your thoughts and definitions on a piece of paper. This will help you to better clarify it in your mind. Now take it one step further and consider if you were to forgive your husband… what would that imply?

Step #2: If Your Husband Asked You To Forgive Him What Would It Mean To You?

Imagine with me for a moment… let’s say your husband comes to you this evening and asks for forgiveness. How would that make you feel? What would it mean to you on a deep, inner, personal level? How would it change you? How would you feel hearing those simple words “I’m so sorry. Would you please forgive me”?

Step #3: If Your Husband Didn’t Ask For Forgiveness What Would It Mean To You?

The other scenario is to think through what it would mean to you if your husband never asked you to forgive him. Would this defeat you and mire you into a state of hurt and pain that you could not find your way out of? What would this response mean for your marriage? Would it ultimately rob you of the power of your own feelings?

Thoughts To Ponder:

  • Have you received an apology from your husband? Did he ask for forgiveness?
  • If he hasn’t sought forgiveness or offered an apology, why do you think he hasn’t?
  • Do you think forgiveness would relieve, and release, you from the hurt and pain you are feeling? 

I truly wish you healing and wholeness in your marriage as you continue working through how to forgive a cheating husband…

By Brian D. Morgan

If you would like more information and help on working through how to forgive a cheating husband please feel free to visit my Marriage IS Worth Saving site where you will find valuable resources to help you get through your marital crisis successfully.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Affairs, Cheating Husbands Tagged With: ,
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